Author: pfspirit

Current mood:  contemplative

Category: Life

I went to my little coffee nook today to get out of the house and was reading a little newspaper about spiritual awareness, etc. As I was sitting in the chair with the sun beaming in my back (and the back of my head) providing a contrast to the cold temperatures, I started contemplating success and satisfaction after reading about a seminar discussing increasing wealth in your life. The seminar doesn’t focus on financial wealth only but financial, emotional and spiritual wealth as well.

Needless to say, the seminar appeals to me. Before being laid off, I realized there was a huge discord between the measure of my success (calculated by my salary and position) and my satisfaction (happiness with my current situation). Although I had a salary and position that was beyond my wildest imagination as little as six years ago, I was hugely dissatisfied with both. The funniest thing is that the last time I remember being satisfied with my job, I was 22-24 and struggling. However, I was the de facto night manager of a 770-room convention hotel. When problems arose overnight, I was the final authority on how to handle the situation and never had to resort to calling the manager on duty to resolve any issues. Problems included handling middle of the night SNAFUs of musician check-ins, informing unfortunate guests that the hotel was sold-out and I would need to send them to a ratty hotel nearby that was NOWHERE near comparable and even handling an employee medical emergency. I derived much satisfaction from that job.

One other time that I TRULY was satisfied, was in high school when I made a prom outfit for a friend of mine who didn’t have the traditional hourglass figure (who does?). I searched and searched and searched until I finally found a pattern that wasn’t designed for prom and transformed the simple outfit into a stunning prom outfit that everyone commented on. Her prom outfit looked better than mine by far but I was as proud as a peacock seeing everyone oooh and ahhh over my friend’s outfit.

Soooo does this mean I should be a fashion designer/night manager of a hotel in order to find satisfaction? I plan to go to the seminar (it’s free after all) and see what comes of it.

To take a line from a part of a long-range horoscope for me, “Ultimately, nothing satisfies like satisfaction”. This will be maybe my first step in my journey in search of satisfaction…

Currently listening:
Corinne Bailey Rae
By Corinne Bailey Rae
Release date: 20 June, 2006

Current mood:  creative

Words. I love to read them and I devour books with a voracious appetite. I even enjoy writing. Words, when used properly, have the power to make a child feel like a giant and they have the power to make the powerless feel empowered. The power of words can transform a simple act into an experience in which the reader is fully engaged.

A flat example of writing could be: I ate a juicy orange that tasted delicious. The idea is conveyed that the orange is delicious but the reader has no real idea of what the author experienced.

However a different approach that engages the reader could be: I peeled the skin from the orange and could smell the sweet, citrus scent escape as I revealed more and more of the flesh. I then bit into the orange instead of eating it section by section. As the juice ran from the corners of my mouth and down my hand, I felt like a four year old kid again – savoring the sweet taste of the juice, enjoying the carefree abandon of allowing the juice to temporarily run past the corners of my mouth and even enjoying the bittersweet mix of juice and orange zest as I licked the stickiness from my hands.

Do you want to go out and buy an orange now? That’s the power of words. I don’t have many New Year’s resolutions, however I do plan to work harder this year to harness my ability to use words. I may never have a job with the Florida Department of Citrus but I would like to sharpen my skills so that it could be an option…

I’ll regale you with more words throughout the year. In the meantime, Happy New Year to all who read this. May we all grow and develop ourselves this year.

Petitefreespirit

Currently listening:
Lovers Live
By Sade
Release date: 05 February, 2002

Just when I thought my biological clock was about to approach the fast, urgent ticking stage (similar to a bomb about to go off)…

Oldest mother

I have another 32 years to potentially give birth! I would say this falls into the “just because you CAN do it, should you?” category.

First, I was driving up Kingshighway (a major thoroughfare) when I looked at a guy standing with his back turned to traffic – urinating! He was not hiding in the privacy of an alley or shielding himself behind a tree, he was just standing in full glory (with his back turned to traffic at least) urinating to his heart’s desire.

Second, I was at a red light near Laclede Avenue when a guy who was waiting to cross the street walked over to my car and pulled the door handle up! The door didn’t open and he kept walking as if he hadn’t done a thing. What the hell?

This weekend I went to see a sneak preview of Blood Diamond (don’t worry, I won’t give the movie away). Although the movie addresses a serious topic, conflict diamonds whose profits finance(d) torturous rebel factions in Sierra Leone, I was moved by something totally different – passionate fatherhood.

The main character is a Sierra Leonian father (played by Djimon Hounsou, I must pause to fan myself-I’ll continue typing in about 15 minutes…) who risks everything to find and then reunite his family. In his life, he doesn’t have much by way of material riches but he places supreme value on his family which includes a wife, daughter, son and a baby whose sex I am not sure of. Before trouble sets in, you see him interacting with his son and espousing his hopes and dreams for him. Although the movie shows the family going through dramatic conflicts which in turn warrant dramatic efforts to counterbalance it, it is rather arresting to see the passion with which Djimon’s character expresses his devotion to his family.

His passion resonates strongly with me because it so sharply contrasts with my reality and the reality of so many that I know. The example of fatherhood that I have from my own experience and that I’ve seen in the life of others is non-existent. Or fatherhood is an optional situation that men move in and out of at will. This is one part of my reality that I struggle to overcome. The things that you experience and see as a child growing up are often the things that subconsciously color your perceptions later in life. It is that potential absence (or optionality) of a father figure that grossly colors my perception to the point where most people don’t even realize that I want children. To illustrate the pervasiveness of my reality, I’ve had conversations with men when they speak about their children and how they feel about them and in my mind I’m like a three year old when you tell them that there have been men who walked on the moon (WOW! Really?!!). I’ve had men respond to the fact that I want children with a surprised tone similar in reaction as if I admitted that I enjoy having a root canal done without anesthesia – or better yet a mirror of my reaction, WOW! Really?!!

So yes, I do want to have children but most importantly I want to have them with someone as passionate about being their father as Djimon Hounsou was in Blood Diamond. Maybe that is what I will put on my hypothetical life’s Christmas list. I realize there is a lot of work that I need to do on my own as well so yes it’s on the list and I’m going to work on me too.

As for the movie, I highly recommend seeing it. It makes you think differently about the bling-bling and even the traditional engagement ring with which we adorn ourselves. Other than the list price on the small, discreet tag, what is the true cost of this piece of hardened coal that sparkles so beguilingly in front of us?

The movie opens nationwide December 8. For more information, go to Blood Diamond the movie.

Current mood:  rejuvenated

Because of all of the changes that have occurred recently in my life, I’ve been struggling to keep a stiff upper lip. As a matter of fact, both lips have been quavering at random moments where I have no distractions. A big part of my problem is that I no longer have much social interaction because I’m not working, nor am I spending time with my now ex-boyfriend.

Without regular social interaction I’ve been feeling quite isolated and LONELY. Tonight I changed that by going to a Meetup and truly enjoyed myself and the people that I met. In addition to getting out of the house, I was able to talk to people about a subject which I have an interest in. That was the best therapy that I could receive right about now. At this particular moment, most is well within my soul.

Good night.

Currently listening:
Corinne Bailey Rae
By Corinne Bailey Rae
Release date: 20 June, 2006

This eerily echoes (some of) what I wrote on my profile page…

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that ‘True love is just around the corner’ and – if you haven’t found it as yet – you possibly soon will.

You want what you want and you need all that you want and, as they say in the movies, you are the sort of individual that ‘By hook or by crook’ you will, by fair means or foul, endeavour to get what you are looking for.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical – indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the ‘you’ that you would like to be – give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

You are feeling full of uncertainty and worrying over what you consider as missed opportunities. This is causing considerable stress and tension. You feel that there must be more to life than the constant pressures and anxieties – that surely life must hold far more opportunities than that which it has to date presented to you. You sincerely believe that there must be a simpler way to tap life’s hidden recourses and should you be able to find that way – you could achieve your hearts desire. It’s the not knowing ‘how’ that is affording you the constant worry. You are constantly probing and seeking – trying to ensure that at all times you are on your guard against missing any opportunity. ‘Enough is enough’. You are anxious to avoid further setbacks. You are strenuously trying to make sure that you will not be overlooked and you badly need security.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

Try it at: Colorgenics Profile

Current mood:  chipper

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I just want to share a small list of things that I have to be thankful for right now. As readers of my previous blog postings may be aware, I am currently unemployed and have lost my boyfriend along with some other previous drama. Despite that, I’ve decided to come up with things that I can be grateful for.

1. My health is good. Now that I’m not working, many irritating things I suffered from seem to have vanished.

2. I have good friends. I’ve received many words of encouragement from them in my time of need.

3. I have hope. I realize that I do have marketable skills and this is a temporary situation that I shall overcome.

4. I have MySpace friends. What else do I need?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Currently listening:
Que Pasa
By Gato Barbieri
Release date: 22 April, 1997

Current mood:  chipper

Category: Parties and Nightlife

Go figure…

Being unemployed and suddenly single at the same time has been rather intense for me, especially leading up to the holiday. A friend of mine suggested I go out tonight and also called one of her friends so that we could meet up and go together. I didn’t really feel like going out because I’m suffering from a BAD case of the doldrums. However, I went out anyway. I am so glad I DID!

I ran into someone who used to work at my old horrible job who is now working for herself helping those who want to start a business. I then met someone in the entertainment industry who knows someone needing an executive assistant – that’s me! Tonight was a very eventful night for me and that’s before I get to the fun part.

Now for the fun part…

I danced my A$$ off tonight. All of the stress that I’ve been under came out in the music. I danced and danced and danced. I was mostly on beat too. There were people there who were far from on beat. I had the rather entertaining opportunity to see two women fall because they were inebriated beyond coordination. I am glad that I’m over that stage in my life where I feel the need to get wasted. One drink was sufficient for me and my coordination didn’t suffer as a result of it.

It has taken me a year to go out and really have fun but I’m extremely grateful for the timing because I needed this now.

Petitefreespirit is slowly returning.

Current mood:  contemplative

Category: Religion and Philosophy

How do you define yourself? Usually people define themselves by their job, which makes sense because that is what we spend most of our waking time doing. However there are instances where people’s identities are discordant with their job. You often see lawyers (or other professionals) who are artists or musicians on the inside but were afraid to pursue their talent or dream.

I now ask the question because I am no longer employed and have lost the employment based part of my identity. On the contrary, I don’t define myself as unemployed yet either. I view it more as a transitional period where I have the opportunity to choose the definition that I think fits me better. I was a secretary or administrative assistant or executive assistant or whatever the term people prefer to use. However, I never considered myself to BE that. I would love to change my path so that what I do for money is more in line with who I am as a person. The problem is, I don’t know what I now want to be. My former passion was clothing and I dreamed of being a fashion designer – despite the fact that I can’t draw AT ALL. I still have a passion for clothing and the accoutrements that we use to define ourselves from the outside. Now if I could only find a way to turn that passion into a career. If anyone has any recommendations, feel free to jump in with sound advice.

Signing off,

The Petitefreespirit Who Is No Longer in Discordance with her Job Because She No Longer Has A Job

Currently listening:
The Beautiful Game
By Acoustic Alchemy
Release date: 23 May, 2000