Author: pfspirit

Musings After Watching An Afro-Brazilian Dance Troupe

Current mood:  pensive

The beat of the drum carried through space and time awakening a feeling of deja vu. The spirit-body connection, once thought severed, was momentarily reconnected. The intensity of the drums mirrored the intensity of feeling I seek in life’s experiences. For a moment, it seemed as if my senses were instinctively responding to an experience as old as time. What was this? Dance Brazil…

Yesterday morning before heading to church, I saw an ad for Dance Brazil’s performance schedule in Saint Louis. The run dates were February 23-25 (in other words, yesterday’s performance was the last one). I decided that if I could make it happen after I left church then I would go, although the performance began at 2pm and I had no idea where the theater was located. I was still divided as to whether or not I would go once I left church so I went to the grocery store and one other store before going home. I arrived at home around 1pm, called the box office and found there were maybe three seats still left. I quickly changed clothes and made a mad dash over to the theater where the performance was staged. With ten minutes to spare, I made it to the box office and bought the ticket for the last seat (using my student ID for a discount – yay).

I’m glad I put forth the effort. I thoroughly enjoyed the performance. Generally when I’ve watched a dance performance, I’ve been somewhat bored with the controlled motion that I’ve seen. Of course, it is that same controlled focus that separates the professional dancer from an amateur flailer such as me. However, with other performances it never seemed as if there were much spirit or passion in the dancing. I now think that may be attributed to the music. This performance was different because the music was different. I wasn’t a passive member of the audience, I could actually feel it. I could hear the deep throbbing bass of the drums and I felt as if my body were connected to the earth by its insistent repetition. I’m not a person who is generally grounded in my body so that says something for the intensity of the drums. However, it wasn’t just the drums that provided the soundtrack for the performance. There were various traditional instruments that rounded out the beat of the drums to provide a lush soundscape. With that as a backdrop, the dancers performed moves that were an amalgamation of traditional African dance moves, capoeira and samba. I saw muscles and body parts move in rhythm and with amazing ease, especially while performing the capoeira inspired moves.

As I later contemplated the performance, I felt like an amnesiac distant cousin of Africans. They can see us and recognize us as family, although we are unable to connect to those kindred feelings because of the years spent here with our identities erased. Africa is on my list of places to visit and my ex-husband recently extended an offer to visit one country. Depending on my situation at the time he goes, I will take him up on his offer. Maybe I’ll come back with a little more African in my “African-American”…

My Request To The Universe

In the spirit of “seek and you shall find” and “ask and you shall receive”, I’ve decided to put forth my detailed request to the universe for a relationship.

First and foremost, I would like someone who can be a co-creator and co-star of my dreams. I dream of living in another country and seeing as much of the world as possible. Because it is the oldest dream that I have for my life, I want someone who will be a part of that dream as opposed to someone who will discount it, fear it, hinder it or in any way attempt to change it.

I want someone with whom I can share mutual love, care and respect. I truly emphasize the word mutual. I have been in positions where I’ve met people who had stars in their eyes for me whose depth of feelings I could never return. I’ve firmly insisted on those relationships being friendships and tried to never take advantage of the other person’s feelings for me. I want someone who holds as much love, care and respect in their heart and soul for me as I do for them. I don’t place much emphasis on “being in love” because that is a state of being where people tend to feel as if love is some magical state of being that has “happened”. I want the kind of love that is a conscious act of loving. In the about me section, I mentioned there will be other people who look better, are smarter, etc. than me. I feel that people who consciously love each other are able to look beyond the endless parade of other people and recognize the value of what they share. One of my measures of love’s conscious decision making is what a person does when opportunity presents itself at a time where no one else is around to witness or tell.

Although the physical relationship is just as important as the emotional relationship, I will leave quite a bit of this description alone. As succinctly as possible, I want someone with whom I can share a physical relationship that synthesizes the tactile, visual, auditory, gustatory and olfactory to create an experience that transcends the physical realm. Enough said on that.

Going back to the concept of co-creator, I need someone with whom I will consciously co-create a family. I have had the weirdest experiences with this aspect. I’ve been involved with people whose children I dreamed of birthing but the relationship or circumstances never made it to that point and I refused to trap anyone in an “unplanned” pregnancy (I view that as trapping myself). However, I have had two people (not just one) offer to reverse their vasectomies if I wanted to have children. If it were just children that I wanted, I could have had them a long time ago. However, I am holding out (and have been holding out) for a family – not just children. I hope to meet the person with whom I can share the beauty and responsibility of our progeny and who is able to provide opportunities that would enrich our children’s lives.

I’m about to end this shortly but want to add a few loose ends here. I want someone who is tender and kind but firm and assertive and knows the appropriate time to be each. I want someone with whom I can be vulnerable and someone who will move mountains on my behalf to protect me. I want someone who can hold me when I need to feel his arms around me but can open his arms and let me be free. I want someone with whom I can spend time without a plan and with whom I can look forward to talking to for years to come.

This isn’t all but I think it’s a good start.

Currently listening:
Corinne Bailey Rae
By Corinne Bailey Rae
Release date: 07 March, 2006

Freespirit Wanderlust

Current mood:  accomplished

This time last weekend found me on the road in either New Mexico or Texas on my way to Arizona. I have had a strong desire to go to Sedona since right before the New Year. I originally was going to go to New Jersey to see my most favorite artist, Gato Barbieri, in concert. However, the combination of bad weather along the route (yes, I was going to drive) and a romantic concert attended solo when I would prefer to have someone with me didn’t really add up to a good trip idea for me. So I checked out the weather in Sedona and looked at the conditions along the way and decided to go for it. After all, the weather in Sedona was sunny and about 50 degrees whereas New Jersey would have been COLD and the weather along the route would have been COLD.

I made a good decision. The weather was wonderful, the scenery was beautiful and I really came away with a tremendous sense of accomplishment after having driven almost halfway across the country alone. If driving were an Olympic event, I’m sure I would be a serious contender for the gold medal.

I wish that I could have experienced the trip with someone but ultimately it was a trip I really think I needed to take alone. Feel free to enjoy the few photos I posted of my trip.

Petitefreespirit the Pioneering Frontier Woman

Currently listening:
Lover’s Rock
By Sade
Release date: 14 November, 2000

Sad Update

I posted a blog last month about letting go vs letting it be written by Ruth Hanna in the Spirit Seeker magazine. That article had a rather profound effect on how I chose to respond to my break-up, it literally helped me “turn the corner”. Unfortunately, I just read a moment ago that she died last month.

Currently reading:
The Secret of Shambhala: In Search of the Eleventh Insight
By James Redfield
Release date: 01 November, 2001

The Circle Of Life

Current mood:  contemplative

I spoke to two friends yesterday who amazingly are going through two situations that I’ve recently gone through. I’ve been exceptionally grateful for the positive people who’ve crossed my path and helped me to remain positive in the face of my life’s personal low. Speaking to my two friends enabled me to “give back” some of the positivity that has come my way. One of the two is almost debilitated with fear. I spoke to her at length and threw out some recommendations to help her shift her focus away from her fears. Whether she is able to do it for a sustained period of time is another question but I would like to think she is looking at alternatives.

I still have my moments of fear-based thinking or situations that bring me waaaaay down as well. However, just when I’m sinking I end up with a phone call or an email that cheers me up – for that I’m grateful. Right now I don’t have everything that I want but I do end up with everything I truly need at the time that I need it. It’s those little things at just the right moment that I’m learning to appreciate more and more.

Currently reading:
The Secret of Shambhala: In Search of the Eleventh Insight
By James Redfield
Release date: 01 November, 2001

Well, I’m Cooking…

Current mood:  productive

If you know me personally, pick yourself up from the floor. I’ll give you a moment or two to recover.

Because I spend so much time at home and am trying to economize, I now find myself in the kitchen preparing my own meals. I can’t say that I’ve created any award-winning, chef-inspired dishes (yet) but the stove has been fired into action quite a bit recently. Sometimes I feel a sense of accomplishment after having cooked and sometimes I don’t.

One of the things that I had been meaning to cook for a long time was hot wings and homemade bleu cheese dressing. I finally did that Friday night. Everything was delicious but I kicked myself repeatedly for buying the whole wings instead of the wing pieces. I really hate handling raw meat (part of my disassociation from where the food actually comes) and found myself snapping joints to expose the cutting point. In one word, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I’ve contemplated signing up for some type of cooking class while I’m looking for a job so that I have something constructive to do with my time. Maybe I could become really excited about cooking and somehow overcome my aversion to being in the kitchen. Who knows? Maybe I’ll just read the cookbooks that I have in the kitchen and work it out on my own

A more pressing matter is what shall I prepare tonight…

Chef Petitefreespirit signing off

Currently listening:
Nouveau Flamenco
By Ottmar Liebert
Release date: 07 May, 1990

Another Gem Of Insight

Current mood:  contemplative

Category: Life

I have a HARD TIME letting go. I mean a really hard time. When my relationship ended with my boyfriend, I struggled (and continue to struggle) with the realization that we were no longer together. That has weighed more heavily on my mind than the fact that I’m unemployed. In conjunction with my unemployment, it has been a tough time emotionally. After a rather painful conversation post-break up, I decided to work very hard on letting it go.

Yesterday while reading the same little newspaper, I ran across an article entitled “Letting It Go – Letting It Be” by Ruth Hanna, M. ED, LPC. Here is a what she says about letting it go vs letting it be:

“Here’s the difference, in my estimation: Letting go implies getting rid of something, and we may not be ready to do that. It may feel like a loss, or that something unknown will occur that we’re not all sure we’ll welcome. Who will we be without this familiar problem, even if it does bedevil us?

But letting something be says this: I can place this burden down beside me for a while, and let myself breathe more easily without it pressing on me so closely. Ah, that’s better – I feel lighter and more at ease already. Maybe I’ll pick it up again, but my grip won’t be so tight. I’m grateful to see here that I really can let it be, and let myself be, too.”

When I read this yesterday (in a public place mind you), I cried and had to go to the restroom to blow my nose (ewww!). That ended up being a nice little gem of information in a time of need. I think letting it be is a gentler approach and I will do just that. It feels good to walk around not feeling like GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip.

If my little gems are of interest, I would like to share the website for the paper. It is Spirit Seeker.

I hope that you too are able to find something relevant for you as well.

© Spirit Seeker, January 2007, Volume 11, Number 1